Destination: Streets of Brisbane, Australia
Inspiration: James Franco: “Brisbane. The beach or the hippy place where you can see whales. Forget the name”
Actualization: It’s not whale season, you say? Who cares? Tell me to see whales and I’ll show you whales. James Franco moment turns Mission Pineapple Express in Brisbane. As you read the below, note some fav quotes from the movie and how they paralleled our trip. Except we don’t have pot to use as an excuse.
Janae and I realize we aren’t finding real whale watching as James suggested. Instead, we are going to have to have to get creative. I say let’s go on a scavenger hunt in Brisbane and find hippies and whales!
Janae says yes, but that we’re going to do it Pineapple Express style. Of course this saves our day. I pulled my favorite quotes from the movie as they corresponded with our adventure.
Dale Denton: I’m here to save my best friend… I’ve got an idea! Rub your wrists against my belt buckle!
[Saul does. It looks like humping]
Dale Denton: I’m gonna save you, man!
Saul: [Grinds against Dale] Yeah! Yeah!
Dale Denton: Let me save you!
Janae is a true friend and photographs the search. She’s been my Aussie BFFF:
Dale Denton: Best F**kin’ Friends Forever, man!
Saul: Holy cock!
Red: Thug life!
We start with the police station.. This policewoman prints out maps for me and then these police guys point me towards tourism.
Dale Denton: [after explaining everything that’s happened] Do you believe me?
Police Liaison Officer: I don’t know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?
Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bi*ch!
I’m a little embarrassed by my tennies and dress attire at the tourism spot:
Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can’t. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It’s not my style.
Matheson: You ain’t got no style, muthaf**ka.
We get hungry and get smoothies midsearch.
Saul: Enjoy your last meal.
[throws bills at Dale]
Saul: Here, super size it, bitch.
We find the whales as directed by the museum worker, AKA Seth Rogen as shown below! He tries to talk to me about where I can find more hippies. I don’t understand where and how I’ll get to the hippies because again Aussies don’t know how to describe walking or driving directions.
Saul: Let’s roll, man! I’m done with the woods! Let’s go! C’mon, man, let’s get the f**k outta here!
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay… Uhh let’s go… No… It’s not working… the battery’s dead.
Saul: Wait…! What do you mean, it’s dead?
Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery’s dead. The battery’s dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery’s dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It’s deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-…
Saul: Aw, man… Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
We find SAUL!!!! (aka. James Franco lookalike in a café in hippy town!) He has no clue what we are talking about when we mention Pineapple Express.
Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend… you didn’t say anything back.
Dale Denton: Well, that’s easy. It’s because we’re not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn’t sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn’t be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Dale Denton: I’m sorry, that sounded really mean… just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey’s out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That’s not even… a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can’t go back into the box – he only comes out.
I get us lost as we go back to get the photo with the whales. We eventually find it though:
Saul: Man, why’d we have to go to the woods?
Dale Denton: Well you didn’t come up with any ideas!
Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno’s
Time for dinner. Let’s find a good spot to eat. Our feet hurt and we think about hitchhiking.
Saul: Hey, look: it’s like my thumb is my cock.
Dale Denton: That’s not gonna get us a ride, man..
When I get hungry and premenstrual, I lose focus on the moment and want to punch Janae. She wants to punch me too. We both hold it in:
Red: Why don’t you follow his lead and just chill out, man?
Dale Denton: I’m chill. I’m chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don’t seem chill.
Dale Denton: I’m more chill than you.
Red: You’re more chill than me?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Red: Look what I’m wearing. Kimono, dog. What’re you wearing?
Dale Denton: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I don’t know if I like you.
Dale Denton: Well, I don’t know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that’s your loss ’cause I’m a great friend.
Janae, like Red, is even more upset because Max isn’t around. At least I have a moment…
Red: [before saving Saul] I can’t do this. I’m sorry, man. I can’t do this. I’m infected. My shit’s all f**ked up. I need medical attention.
Dale Denton: What do you mean you can’t – I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?
Red: Dude, Ted is a f**king murderer! I can’t f**k with him! I got a wife, man! She’s gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna f**k her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!
Red: F**k that. This’ll be your moment.
We find the perfect restaurant. The dude at the counter sucks in a deep breath while crinkling his eyes and opening his mouth with teeth together. BIG PET PEEVE OF MINE and says, “Sorry. We don’t serve food for another hour.”
Ken: [to Ted and Dale] You, suck my balls. Two times!
We find our dinner spot, fill our tummy’s and review the day of finding Saul, Dale, whales and FOOD. Thank god! We bond again.
Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb f**kin’ stinky-ass turd when I’m there.
Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
Saul: F**k Jeff Goldblum, man!
Realization: We all have our moments!
Saul: You lied to me.
Red: I did. I lied big time to you.
Saul: Dale said that that you didn’t even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we’ve gone through, from, like, seeing this f**kin’ asshole’s nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Saul: I f**kin’ love you, dog. I f**kin’ love you.
Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Saul: No more lies, Red.
Red: This is my moment.
Saul: This is your moment.
Other fun quotes:
Mr. Edwards: Clark’s a great guy, man. He’s totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He’s great; he’s a wonderful lab partner, so… It’s gonna be cool, he’ll keep one eye on her.
Dale Denton: Why don’t you go f**k yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I’m a teacher, okay? You can’t talk to me like that, guy.
Dale Denton: I’m not a student, so I can say whatever the f**k I want, you chimp-f**king little bastard.
Angie Anderson: F**k you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn’t count!
Robert: Angie, you’re a fucking idiot. I say that with love
Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had, and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and f**ked, this would the shit that they birthed.
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby f**king.
Matheson: [Saul has smashed a coffee pot in Matheson’s face, leaving huge scars] I look like the Hamburglar.